New to Nature

So not a whole lot has changed with my day to day life I suppose. I'm still going about everything the same. I was able to reach out to another pagan in my town via email. Witchvox is pretty great that way. But I know she's busy so we haven't been able to talk much. I joined a few pagan social networking sites, but it doesn't seem like any of them get a whole lot of traffic so I haven't really been able to talk much to anyone on any of those either.

I'm starting to reach out a bit more than usual, but I feel just as much like a fraud as usual. I just don't FEEL pagan. I still feel like an observer. Well, Rome wasn't built in a day so I guess I just have to give it more time and more effort. Joining a few websites isn't going to change a person. I've still got an entire lifestyle to embrace before I get to all the "good stuff."

A large part of this I think is that I'm still hiding it from my family. Well, not really hiding so much as intentionally neglecting to mention. But that's the same thing right? I know when I decided to become a vegetarian (briefly) part of my short term success was being open with it about my family. I told them the truth and not having to hide anything just made it so much easier. I'm just not sure about telling them though. My family–while not devoutly christian–are all primarily god-fearing individuals, but more than anything are very judgemental. I guess I've just always been so afraid of being judged. And I don't really fit in anywhere but with my family (albeit hardly at that). The idea of not fitting in with them is just a little overwhelming. I just know that being honest will make it easier to do, its just at what cost?

I don't know. I feel like my sisters might say "okay," ask a few questions then forget about it and move on. Its my stepsister–who already thinks I'm a bit of a freak of nature anyways–my dad and stepmother who I'm most worried about. Ugh! I just wish I didn't care so much what other people think! I know this is something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. ESPECIALLY if this is the path I choose in life. Just more stuff for me to be thinking about.

Recently I've actually been contemplating the integrity of teaching some of the stuff that I've learned to my little sister. She's always copied everything I do (which is slightly worrisome because I didn't exactly have the happiest childhood because of some of the stuff I did) so I know if I'm open with her about it she's just going to follow me along with it anyways. But I suppose that kind of thing would be considered proselytzing which is a big part of what makes pagan religions so different than most mainstream monotheistic religions. Really I suppose this is just my desire to have someone to share this with that makes me think like that. But the best thing to do is to let her come to this if that is what she wants, the same way I did.

Ha! Sometimes I regret coming to this conclusion simply because it isn't as simple as attending a preestablished church and listening to someone drone on about what to believe. At the same time that is the very reason why I turned this direction in the first place. Ugh! This just requires too much thought. That's why christianity is so easy! The bible does the thinking for you, you just do the obeying.

I don't know. I'm starting to talk in circles now so I guess I'm just going to go. I feel a little better after a bit of venting though, so I guess this kinda worked.

Salutations everyone!

I suppose today is as good a day as any to name as day one. Today marks the first day of my commitment to this journey. This journey to Paganism and possibly to Wicca.

I'm not entirely sure what to say now. I suppose I'll just start with what brought me to this moment.

After 7 years of half-heartedly researching and exploring Wiccanism, I've decided to put my heart into it and actively seek more knowledge and a real spiritual connection to the earth. I'm still not certain about Wiccanism, but there is definitely nothing else to call me other than Pagan. I've recently discovered Hellenismos or Hellenic Polytheism. Since I've always had a great love and admiration for Greco-Roman mythology, I wonder if this may be a much more sensible path for me to take. But I don't know if I can remove the idea of the Greek Gods(and Goddesses) as fictional characters that I read about and place them into the very real position of being the Gods that I worship. This path also lacks the deep connection to the earth that I long for. So this is definitely going to take a lot more consideration than can be worked out in a single post of this blog.

No matter where I go or what I read about this, everyone says its a journey, its a learning experience, its a path of self discovery. And indeed that is exactly what it is. I guess now I'm just finally ready to truly begin this journey. I've always been a little scared of what I'd find out about myself on a path to self discovery. But hiding and ignoring this and pretending its not a part of who I am–whether I'd originally intended it to be or not–is just doing myself a disservice. So now I've decided (for lack of better words) to get over it and take that first tentative step of making this real that I've been so afraid of for so long.

They say a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Well here's mine.