So not a whole lot has changed with my day to day life I suppose. I'm still going about everything the same. I was able to reach out to another pagan in my town via email. Witchvox is pretty great that way. But I know she's busy so we haven't been able to talk much. I joined a few pagan social networking sites, but it doesn't seem like any of them get a whole lot of traffic so I haven't really been able to talk much to anyone on any of those either.
I'm starting to reach out a bit more than usual, but I feel just as much like a fraud as usual. I just don't FEEL pagan. I still feel like an observer. Well, Rome wasn't built in a day so I guess I just have to give it more time and more effort. Joining a few websites isn't going to change a person. I've still got an entire lifestyle to embrace before I get to all the "good stuff."
A large part of this I think is that I'm still hiding it from my family. Well, not really hiding so much as intentionally neglecting to mention. But that's the same thing right? I know when I decided to become a vegetarian (briefly) part of my short term success was being open with it about my family. I told them the truth and not having to hide anything just made it so much easier. I'm just not sure about telling them though. My family–while not devoutly christian–are all primarily god-fearing individuals, but more than anything are very judgemental. I guess I've just always been so afraid of being judged. And I don't really fit in anywhere but with my family (albeit hardly at that). The idea of not fitting in with them is just a little overwhelming. I just know that being honest will make it easier to do, its just at what cost?
I don't know. I feel like my sisters might say "okay," ask a few questions then forget about it and move on. Its my stepsister–who already thinks I'm a bit of a freak of nature anyways–my dad and stepmother who I'm most worried about. Ugh! I just wish I didn't care so much what other people think! I know this is something I'm going to have to deal with for the rest of my life. ESPECIALLY if this is the path I choose in life. Just more stuff for me to be thinking about.
Recently I've actually been contemplating the integrity of teaching some of the stuff that I've learned to my little sister. She's always copied everything I do (which is slightly worrisome because I didn't exactly have the happiest childhood because of some of the stuff I did) so I know if I'm open with her about it she's just going to follow me along with it anyways. But I suppose that kind of thing would be considered proselytzing which is a big part of what makes pagan religions so different than most mainstream monotheistic religions. Really I suppose this is just my desire to have someone to share this with that makes me think like that. But the best thing to do is to let her come to this if that is what she wants, the same way I did.
Ha! Sometimes I regret coming to this conclusion simply because it isn't as simple as attending a preestablished church and listening to someone drone on about what to believe. At the same time that is the very reason why I turned this direction in the first place. Ugh! This just requires too much thought. That's why christianity is so easy! The bible does the thinking for you, you just do the obeying.
I don't know. I'm starting to talk in circles now so I guess I'm just going to go. I feel a little better after a bit of venting though, so I guess this kinda worked.